"Pre-Trib Brownies Recipe"
Copyright © 2004 Joe Ortiz
Six egg yolks from any chickens fed with corn or lats of haye (throw away clear stuff)
Half a cup of Lindseyd Oil (still cold pressed in Dallas)
Seven teaspoons of Kosher Salt
Six cups of Cain sugar (best if you are Abel to cultivate it on your own)
Six cups of flour (preferably grown, harvested and processed in Sco fields)
6 tablespoons of Darby syrup (sap easily collected from dead olive trees)
6 cups of yeast (dispensed cheaply at any Ben Hinn Rally)
Large bowl filled with doctored Ice (to my friends, they’re odd-shaped cubes)
Pre heat your oven at 666 degrees. Place mixture in the large bowl of Ice, mix all of the ingredients and beat them together until all the leaven has been incorporated. Then let it set without proofing it with pure water, it will rise on its own until all ingredients turn into a sticky, gooey, gaseous mixture. After letting it set for some time, pour olive oil on your hands (actually all over your entire body) so the mixture will not stick to you, as if you really kneed it. Mold the mixture into any shape you desire, but be careful you don’t let any of the ingredients soil your garments.
Place paper bowl inside the oven on the lowest rack, and keep the temperature at 666 degrees. No need to set any specific time for this concoction, unless you are an expert in this field. Many have tried to arrive at the exact hour to cook Pre-Trib Brownies throughout the last 200 years or so, but have failed to reach the mark. Actually, you are allowed to set the timer to whatever hour you wish, based on your own calculations. It doesn’t take that much experience. You can also find many varying recipes on the Internet. There are thousands of them popping up all the time. Therefore, feel free to take a guess at how long to bake your own mixture. Many novice cooks often tune into the news reports on certain media to determine the current and most popular time frames. Middle East news reports and the Weather Channel, especially, have helped to dispense varying time factors, especially for new beginners. But, Oh, What the Haye, pick whatever time suits you best!
Regardless, keep Pre-Trib Brownies in the oven until all the salt has dissipated, and the Cain sugar has turned into saccharin, which will make them taste sweeter than they really are. Whatever you do, don’t pull it out before it is finished; this concoction could Rupture!
However, if the oven starts smoking and a nasty aroma begins to stink up your house, for God's sake, get out of there as quickly as you can! Whatever you do, don't let your loved ones get Left Behind! Don’t feel bad about fleeing the place that taught you how to make Pre-Trib Brownies; feel free to go to another house, even if you have to get out into the desert. The new place you will be dwelling in may not be the easiest place in the world, but at least you will be able to eat good bread instead of being fed sweet tasting stuff all the time.
Warning: Pre-Trib Brownies always taste great at first, and may satisfy your hunger or whatever ails you at the moment. But in the end, they can cause a severe case of DIE REAL.
First Published on the 4th of July, 2004
Joe Ortiz is the author of The End Times Passover and Why Christians Will Suffer Great Tribulation (Author House). He is the first Mexican American to host a talk show on an English-language, commercial radio station, beginning in 1971 at KABC-AM Los Angeles, California.