Saturday, July 28, 2012

An Exciting Day at Rapture Bible College (some names have been changed to protect the guilty)

    by Dave MacPherson
     Professor John Wallboard:  Welcome to Advanced Rapture Techniques, course no. 666. If you study hard you'll get a Rapture Franchise someday. Talk about money! You'll be so successful you can even have a scandal or two and folks will still love you. Some of our star graduates are Tommy Eisegesis, Hal Lindseedy, Dwight Plentycost, Chas. Ryewheat, Chas. Stainley, Jimmy Swagger, Jack Van Empty, Edgar Whizheain't, and Jack Wiles. Does anybody already know any rapture gimmicks?
     Tim (a student): I do. Pastor Stainley recently showed how fast the "twinkling of an eye" is by blinking his eye and making everyone laugh. Then, with sleight of mouth, he said the rapture will happen that fast. No one even noticed (heh, heh) that this passage doesn't say how fast the catching up is. But I knew he only wanted to compare the rapture with the final advent. Actually, Matt. 24:31's "gather" (in a posttrib setting) could be just as fast. But if we admit this, we lose a good pretrib argument, right?
     Prof. Wallboard: Excellent, Tim. Now here's a technique on the "day of the Lord" I've used. Everyone ties together the rapture and the start of this "day." Since we're pretrib we naturally stretch forward this "day" and tie it to our rapture----what Darby and Scofield never dared to do. Since Acts 2:20 puts the (posttrib) sun/moon darkening before this "day," our prophecy charts would be more honest if they showed this darkening near the tribulation's start. But it would hurt us, so we just ignore Acts 2:20 and no one (hee, hee) ever seems to notice! Does anyone know how pretrib began?
     Tim: I do. Our books claim that around 1830 John Darby discovered the church/Israel "dichotomy" which led him to pretrib. But my research has uncovered some long-covered-up facts. Darby brought the "new" (his term) pretrib view to the U.S. during the 1860's and 1870's. He seemed to view Southerners as ignorant and never once visited what had been the Confederate States. However, he later inspired outsiders and inside "Judases" to pretribize the South, taking advantage of the Civil War's chaos and destruction of Southern libraries and churches. Today many Southerners are finding out that posttrib was the South's ONLY rapture view during the 1600's, 1700's, and early 1800's prior to the Great Southern Betrayal!
     Professor Wallboard, the most complete documentation on pretrib's bizarre, short-lived history is Dave MacPherson's The Rapture Plot  (300 pgs., index, bibliog., appendices), available at If MacPherson's name is typed in on Internet search engines such as Yahoo and Google, quite often the first entry is: "Dave MacPherson's the Rapture plot: weighed and found wanting." Well, the world's worst scales must have been used! This entry is based on onlyfive and a half pages (focusing on the same Plot  book) in Frank Marotta's 28-page booklet on Morgan Edwards, a booklet in which words are sloppily added, subtracted, and changed in quotes, not to mention deliberate falsification of evidence, all of which proves there's something Marotta in more than just the state of Denmark! And everyone knows that if money is paid, an entry can be listed in the first slot on search engines----proof that pretrib tries to succeed by buying as well as by lying!
     (Tim walks to the podium, pushes the professor away, and keeps on talking)
     Something has begun to bother me. Our techniques are actually lies----
     Prof. Wallboard: But, Tim----
     Tim: ----and if our view is wrong, we're gambling with millions of lives!
     Prof. Wallboard: TIM!
     Tim: Don't stop me, Professor. I've checked Darby's writings. He didn't see any "dichotomy" until LONG AFTER the Irvingites began publicly teaching pretrib in 1830. In fact, Darby didn't clearly teach pretrib himself until 1839! You also know that Scofield was a jailed forger even AFTER his conversion in 1879 and that his wife divorced him in 1883 after he deserted her and his daughters! Pretrib is a colossal hoax! I'm leaving this class and this school! And I won't be surprised if God uses financial collapses and other disasters to wake up pretrib deceivers and deceivees!
     (Tim walks out and all of the other students follow him)

Dave MacPherson is recognized as the most noted authority on the origins of the Pre-Tribulation Rapture to Heaven myth. He has authored several books on the subject (including The Rapture Plot), and written many articles on the Internet challenging the claims made by Premillennial Dispensationalist. He and his wife Wanda live in the Mid-West and travel throughout the country lecturing on his life-long research on this subject. If you want to respond to this post, please send your messages to our blog at Or leave your remarks in our comment section below.
For information about Joe Ortiz, his blogs and web sites, please click on Joe Ortiz


Anonymous said...

Talk about a hot article. It's so hot I had to wear asbestos gloves because my keyboard had started to melt! (Slight exaggeration here.) Sure, it's a funny piece of writing, but what's shocking are the facts buried inside all the humor. Thanks, Mr. Ortiz, for your blog which brings us readers many outstanding articles related to Bible prophecy and other important matters. My prayer is that God will continue to direct and use you all for His everlasting glory. (signed) Belinda

wakawakwaka said...

Mr.Ortiz I have seen a hand written note on your website about margret macdonalds vision, is it legit... because there is this guy here that claims you had edited it!

Anonymous said...

The preceding comment asked about Margaret Macdonald's vision of 1830. When Hal Lindsey states in his books that he sees "the one taken and the other left" (Matt. 24:40) happening before the "Wicked" one (II Thess. 2:8) is revealed, Hal's readers know that he is teaching that a pretrib rapture ("the one taken") will happen before the Antichrist ("Wicked")is revealed - the "kernel" or essential part of the pretrib view.
Margaret's vision had the very same "kernel." Here are lines 58-63 in her history-making vision:
"two shall be in one bed, the one taken and the other left, because the one has the light of God within while the other cannot see the Kingdom of Heaven. I saw the people of God in an awfully dangerous situation, surrounded by nets and entanglements, about to be tried, and many about to be deceived and fall. Now will THE WICKED be revealed, with all power...."
The so-called editing was actually a condensation of her main point or kernel: a rapture before the revealing of the Antichrist - in other words, a pretrib rapture since her rapture happens before the tribulation (a.k.a. Antichrist's revealing or reign).
For more info on this, readers can Google "X-Raying Margaret," "Edward Irving is Unnerving," "Scholars Weigh My Research" and "Deceiving and Being Deceived" - all by the MacPherson who has given us the above humorous item.
BTW, MacPherson has stated that he no longer contributes anything to Wikipedia because anyone with any ulterior motive can maliciously and anonymously add or subtract or change anything he has carefully and honestly researched for years and submitted to Wikipedia (which he now views as Wickedpedia!). He added that he expects to see more of such maliciousness in the end time when reasoning, fairness, and democracy will be replaced by political correctness, intolerance, and Satanic force via a one-world government. Thanks for your marvelous blog, brother Joe.

Your brother, Warren

Anonymous said...

Your blog is a good mix of Bible and history facts with a lot of real funny humor mixed in. If there is a thing like a WORLD BLOGGING AWARD, you Bro. Ortiz would win it hands down! I hope you can keep doing what you are doing.
Ruben and Lilia

Anonymous said...

I'm still laughing over what took place at that "college"!