Friday, July 23, 2010

Recipe For "Pre-Trib Brownies"

Eschatological Satire
     We have received many requests to re-post our Pre-Tribulation Rapture to Heaven Brownies recipe which many people have heard of, but missed it when we last posted it. For those of you who don't understand what is meant by the Pre-Tribulation Rapture to Heaven doctrine, it is the predominate theological view accepted and supported by many evangelicals, primarily by preacher-teacher-writers such as Time LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, who have written the Left Behind books' series, and many, many others such as Jack Van Impe, Mike Davis, John Hagee and the record-book selling author of The Late Great Planet Earth, Mr. Hal Lindsey.
     In essence, they believe that Born Again Christians (and only them) will be protected from the impending 'great tribulation' and God's wrath by being 'snatched" up to Heaven somewhere between three and a half to seven years before Jesus Christ returns to establish His Kingdom on earth for only 1000 years; but this time, He will do it in secret where no one else but Born Again believers will see (or experience) this miracle.
     This theory, which is taught by many theological seminaries in the United States (Dallas Theological Seminary being the largest) is based on a tale that was brought to the United States by British theologian John M. Darby (who stole the idea from a young lassie by the name of Margaret McDonald, who shared a dream she had about the end of the world), who then taught this new doctrine to many American theologians.
     One of these ersatz theologians  was C.I Scofield, who published the Scofield Bible containing many theories in margins throughout that publication that supported and enhanced the politically created Zionism philosophy that claims only Jews are God's chosen people, and that the Middle East state called "Israel" since 1948 was given to Jews by God as an eternal possession. They also believe that todays' news about the crisis in Middle East is unveiling fulfilment of many Bible prophecies that Armageddon is right around the corner and that the "last days" are here and the Church should be Raptured to Heaven on any given moment. 
     By virtue of misinterpreting and skewing key Bible verses throughout the Scofield Bible to infer this political philosophy is supposed to be Bible truth, students and adherents of this doctrine (who have been trained through and by the Scofield Bible translation) have adopted this ideology as Gospel truth. These teachers/preachers and pastors of thousands of churches throughout the US and abroad, have passed on and taught this myth as being biblically orthodox. Many scholars and reformed theologians have written thousands of books (including yours truly) that "Zionism" is a politically created philosophy which has no biblical support whatsoever. 
     While we believe that many adherents of Christian Zionism genuinely love Jesus Christ and have committed their lives to follow Him, the emerging truth that Zionism is not based on biblical truth has caused a great divide within the church. Once the true disciples of Christ learn that Zionism (in any form) is not biblically based, they can begin praying that our Jewish brethren will turn to and follow Christ, which is the ONLY way they can be redeemed and become co-inheritors of the Kingdom of God.
     Having said this, while the following Pre-Tribulation Brownies' recipe was developed by yours truly as theological satire, it does contain more truth than Zionism adherents are willing to admit:
Pre-Trib Brownies


(1) Six egg yolks from any chickens fed with corn or lats of haye (throw away clear stuff)
(2) Half a cup of Lindseyd Oil (still cold pressed in Dallas)
(3) Six cups of Cain sugar (best if you are Abel to cultivate it on your own)
(4) Seven teaspoons of Kosher Salt
(5) Six cups of wheat flour (preferably grown, harvested and processed in Scofields)
(6) Six tablespoons of Darby syrup (sap easily collected from dead olive trees)
(7) Seven cups of yeast (dispensed cheaply at any Ben Hinn Rally
(8) Large bowl filled with Doctored Ice (Tomy friends, they’re odd-shaped cubes)


     Pre heat your oven at 666 degrees. Place mixture in the large bowl of Ice, mix all of the ingredients and beat them together until all the leaven has been incorporated. Then let it set without proofing it with pure water, it will rise on its own until all ingredients turn into a sticky, gooey, gaseous mixture.
     After letting it set for some time, pour olive oil on your hands (actually all over your entire body) so the mixture will not stick to you, as if you really kneed it. Mold the mixture into any shape you desire, but be careful you don’t let any of the ingredients soil your garments.
     Place paper bowl inside the oven on the lowest rack, and keep the temperature at 666 degrees. No need to set any specific time for this concoction, unless you are an expert in this field. Many have tried to arrive at the exact hour to cook Pre-Trib Brownies throughout the last 200 years or so, but have failed to reach the mark.
     Actually, you are allowed to set the timer to whatever hour you wish, based on your own calculations. It doesn’t take that much experience. You can also find many varying recipes on the Internet. There are thousands of them popping up all the time. Therefore, feel free to take a guess at how long to bake your own mixture. Many novice cooks often tune in to the news reports on certain media to determine the current and most popular time frames. Middle East news reports and the Weather Channel, especially, have helped to dispense varying time factors, especially for new beginners. But, Oh, What the Haye, pick whatever time suits you best!
     Regardless, keep Pre-Trib Brownies in the oven until all the salt has dissipated, and the Cain sugar has turned into Suckersin, which is a substitute that will make them taste sweeter than they really are. Whatever you do, don’t pull it out of the oven before it is finished; this concoction could Rupture!
     However, if the oven starts smoking and a nasty aroma begins to stink up your house, for God's sake, get out of there as quickly as you can! Whatever you do, don't let your loved ones get Left Behind! Don’t feel bad about fleeing the place that taught you how to make Pre-Trib Brownies; feel free to go to another house, even if you have to get out into the desert. The new place you will be dwelling in may not be the easiest place in the world, but at least you will be able to eat good bread instead of being fed sweet tasting stuff all the time.
     Warning: Pre-Trib Brownies always taste great at first, and may satisfy your hunger or whatever ails you at the moment. But in the end, they can cause a severe case of DIE REAL.

     (First created by Joe Ortiz on 4th of July, 2004)
     This article can be re-posted without permission as long as credit is given to Joe Ortiz and The End Times Passover blog.

     For more information about this blog and the author's books, The End Times Passover and Why Christians Will Suffer Great Tribulation click here Joe Ortiz.

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